So with that I would like to make my first blog about eight things that I have tried, at least six times and somehow equated with finding the sad truth that it just won't work.
1. The Mary Poppins umbrella trick. OUCH. My broskis and I tried it for at least a good 40 minutes, with not one success of flotation. We also broke like three umbrellas. In retrospect, we wasted a lot of good valuable money. Not to mention the fact that umbrellas are handy litte tools. So it was then that I decided to leave any sort of floating umbrella tricks to the movies.
2. No matter how many times I pray to make (insert elementary or middle school crushes name here) my boyfriend, it's just not going to happen. I was a sad little heartbroken girl. I mean, I did have my first boyfriend in Kindergarten. No I did not forget you Clayton Tomlinson, but I didn't have to pray for him. He just liked me. I am finding a trend as I get older. The guy I want, is very rarely the guy who wants me back. So after much early let-down I have found out that praying for a specific boy to "love" me is the wrong way to do it. You have to make your prayer much more vague. Here is a template:
"Dear Heavenly Father, please help me find a very handsome GQ model, whom has a tender heart and kind touch. Possibly around 5'9 or taller. Likes big dogs and sports, but still has an appreciation for the arts. It would be wonderful if he had some sort of music ability. I would also be quite grateful for a guy who would love to pro-create.
Amen."
3. Regardless of how much I work out, or how many meals I do not eat, I will never be a Victorias Secret model. First off let me point out that I am 5'2, red flag! Second, I have what my brothers have deemed to be "thunder thighs". The more I work out, the bulkier they get. Third, I am WHITE! and I mean red hair, freckles, do not tan naturally white. And last my father would literally pull me off of a stage if he knew I was trotting around in high heels wearing a zebra print teddy. I have come to the conlclusion, I do not need to be a model to be beautiful. I just need to see beauty in everyone and everything and hope that others see the beauty in me.
4. I cannot make the lady at the post office that I use smile. This is something that I have been trying to accomplish for about six months with no true success yet. I will not give up on her though. I am certain that somewhere behind that counter and those glasses she has a very sweet spirit. Maybe, just maybe I always arrive just after someone has yelled at her for not giving them the purple heart stamps they wanted. I will no give up. But I do have many ways that will not make her smile:
- Telling her how beautiful she looks in a blue button up polo.
- When she asks me if I am shipping any parishable items replying "not unless love can't goes bad while being shipped cross country"
- and her favorite... upon handing me change saying "your the bomb..I mean your awesome, I am very confident that you are NOT wearing a bomb...right?"
5. Shooting a basketball is not my thing. Again: white girl, 5'2. The End.
6. No matter how old I get, my mother does NOT and I mean will not accept being talked to disrespectfully. She threatened to not buy my plane ticket home because I was being sassy. I keep thinking that there is a certain age that it will be ok to just act like she is one of my friends...WRONG. She is my mom, she birthed me, and she will not tolerate a lot of the things that my friends do.
7. Being cold-hearted is not a good look for me. Several times in my very short but somewhat fulfilling years I have thrown my hands in the air and said "you know what I just don't care anymore, I don't like anyone in the human race. I hate sunshine, happy music, and kittens." Yeahhhh that lasts for about two hours and then someone says something funny and I just can't contain laughter. I am unsuccessful at being miserable
8. Oooooo this is my last one. I feel the need to make it really good, but it is one in the morning time and all my thoughts are jumbling. The word jumble made me think of Sudoku. So yeah my last thing that I have tried numerous times and cannot seem to get it right is Sudoku. That stupid number game has it out for me. I hate numbers, they're all really simple until you start adding variables and the letter i. Not cool math not cool.
Well that is it. This was your little window into my mind for now. Completely useless knowledge about me, but hey it was fun.
*pink ponies scare me. And if I do ever dream of them it would surely be a nightmare. Just thinking about it makes me want to hide under my covers.
